On a Positive Note

OK so here I am. A few days late. Sad huh. Well anyway I will make up for it now. I think if you are here you may know a little bit about me. The people that know the most about me really know nothing about me because with all the talking I do really I don’t say very much. I don’t have many people to talk to because who could understand me? Nobody. Does it sound like a complaint. Maybe, but I am going to make this positive right? Right. We will have plenty of time to discuss all the assholes in the world later. I meet them every day. I also meet many very nice people. Making the distinction between the two can be an odd challenge but not necessarily one I don’t look forward too. I have come to this realization that it isn’t always other people that are assholes. Sometimes I am on edge just waiting for someone to look at me the wrong way. That is no way to live at all. I never let people get to me when I was living a normal persons life why should i let anybody get to me now? Well, I am on Hormones, there is that. Perhaps I am a bit more on the tender side, ya think? Yes I am on a healthy dose of Estrogen and Progesterone as well as Spironolactone to block Testosterone. I wouldn’t want any of that getting in my body.

In an effort to try to make my life positive I decided to do something before I slid down in the dumps anymore. And here we are. I have committed myself to write a book about the many experiences I have had good and bad and the interesting life I have had, am having and will continue to have. I think I will start in the present and discuss my newest endeavor. Yes, I have this blog. I have committed to this, a makeup line, a street wear clothing line as well as streaming live on Bigo Live and youtube. I will also be undertaking a major push on social media. As we are in this moment I have somewhere between 45 and 50 thousand followers. I have 2 accounts on Tiktok, 5 accounts on facebook all pretty full, 2 accounts on Bigo Live, 2 accounts on Youtube, 3 accounts on X, an account on reddit oh and my favorite Slushy and just about up on OnlyFans. It is all linked together on Linktree and I almost forgot, I am also an Amazon Influencer Affiliate. It sounds pretty easy I am sure but there is zero downtime because between writing and producing all this content I am also the star of my own show.

I won’t be able to succeed without people, friends and family. I won’t rely on anybody to help me to keep my chin up. I am supposedly living my truth which is an entirely different story and so long with so many branches I will have to bring you up to speed as I go along. I may be at the helm steering but my trajectory isn’t always clear, I cant say I 100 percent understand myself and I don’t entirely know everything about what I am doing. I will say so far it has been much more challenging than I had anticipated and that is OK. I didn’t exactly count on Hormones turning me into a big baby although my Dr. in all fairness did warn me about it. None of this is to make anybody feel sorry for me. I refuse to make this or any other story a pity party. It hasn’t all been bad. I love who I am and life gets more interesting every day. We all have to take the good with the bad and in many ways I am much happier today than I was prior to 2017. This is when I took steps to make serious changes. I gave myself a year and a half to transition. Little did I know what was was in the trajectory. I have had to literally sacrifice everything that I loved and hoped for minimal damages after the fallout.

I decided to start from absolutely nothing and make something of myself making something of myself. The world isn’t friendly that much to my people and part of it is because of my people and as you get to know me you will see I think against the grain. My people go way overboard sometimes and try to blame all of our problems on society. It is NOT all society we share big portion of blame. When the world began to bend for Trans people, many Trans people tried to push the world to far. Then when the common people had enough and began to push back, many Trans people lost their fucking minds. That happens to be the reality. Sorry team, we should but we do not all think the same way. It is sad. But what did we all expect to happen. Ughhhhh. Those of you that are like me can all point fingers at society and why not? This will allow us the easiest way to avoid accepting ANY bit of responsibility. When you blame the world for ALL of your problems, well, it is a slippery slope isn’t it.

More on my crazy endeavor. Well it is coming together quite nicely and slowly and if anybody gives much of a rats ass, I will be doing everything I am doing right in front of everyone so anybody can watch me find a way to survive on the internet. So scary and yet so necessary. I am not ready to go back to being a slave to the regular grind. I have been fighting depression which is really quite depressing. I don’t know what to make of that I feel a bit lost, alone and out there and guess what, I’m not really sure I want to share my life with anybody. I don’t like to answer to anybody nor do I like working within the confines of any kind of relationship. I don’t even know what or what kind of a person I would want any kind of relationship with. I have nothing to offer anybody at the moment and I suppose if the right person landed in front of me anything could change. The future being uncertain and dark scares me for sure but I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than be with somebody that stabs me in the back, I do not have the strength to argue and fight the battle of who could care less with anybody. I hate relationship arguments and would really like to forego that stress for the rest of my life.

This is my string of thoughts for today. More tomorrow on the dynamics of my business model. It is the model of a mad person. Outlining it perhaps will give me some solid direction and although most people write a business plan before they endeavor, I decide to start the business and write my business plan as I go. If I didnt work it all this way I can tell you I never would have started. I am a person that will procrastinate if you let me and in an effort to trick myself into action I just decided to start. More on my plan tomorrow and perhaps we can journey into some of the bizarre subject my life has become and what exactly made me this way. Well, I mean so oddly complicated…