Lets Fill Out Some Forms at the Doctor's Office

I am going to present a bit of an unusual experiment to you. I am not suggesting that anybody try this experiment. However, If you dig up the fortitude to try this bizarre Social Experiment, know this. I already did this and even though I had a very good idea what the outcome would be, I was still shocked at the results or lack there of. Also please note that if you take on this endeavor you do so at your own risk and by your own accord.

Our scene opens up on a hot summer day in July in Spokane, Washington. It was during Covid. It was a depressing time in my life as well as many other peoples I suspect. I go to the Doctor quite often due to being Trans. I like to go have them deliver my shots of Estrogen weekly. I am too much of a pussy to stick myself with a needle. I am afraid of needles in fact. I will juke at this point and tell you, on this particular day I was there for my mental health which is pretty funny since this Appointment was a blatant waste of my time. It was hard to get a mental health Appointment during this time. I am bearing my soul here so I will tell you I was becoming Agoraphobic and was having a tough time leaving my bedroom. Further, I was beginning to feel a bit alone in the world partly because I am very alone in the world. The other part is when you transition, there is a good chance you will sacrifice everything. Friends, Family and society as a whole. Some of you will say people like me choose this and nothing could be further from the truth. I will tell you this once for now. In fact nobody would choose to be this way. I believe I have unraveled some of the mystery in why people like me turn out this way. More on that later. I want to stay focused and circle back to our surreal Social Experiment. Long story short, Suicide is very common amongst Trans people in society. Oddly I had never in my life felt suicidal. I was in Therapy for 3 Years and although I really had a very excellent Therapist. I was in a very dark and scary place in my head.

Look, everything I say is an offshoot to another story. This would be a great place to say much of the Suicidal Ideation comes from the ridicule that comes along with being Trans. The abandonment issues you feel from many of your friends and family., the bullying some of us get and the hatred many of us feel from the overall consensus. I don’t need anybody’s pity and you can keep that I am merely stating the facts. There are some good folks out there I guess. I lost all of my family being this way. It is just easier to pretend I don’t exist and in some ways I may be grateful for this. I would rather have no family if it meant my family had to be fake around me. Of course it never has occurred to my family that I could care less what they think I think this goes with anybody I would have any kind of relationship with. I would rather be single than have to answer to somebody who is up my ass all the time or stabs me in the back when I am not around.

Ok so my need to be around and with the only person I trust in the world has caused me some issues. By the way, it is me. I know I will have to be careful whom I trust because when it comes to trust, well, I don’t really have anybody that comes to mind. This leads me to a depressing state which led me to the Dr. I will leave alone what kind of an ordeal it was just to get this horrendous appointment in the first place, OK. I arrive at my appointment, introduce myself and check in at the front reception area. Out come this mountain of forms that oddly seems that I have to fill out at every single appointment. I start shuffling thru the forms and there it is! The form that asks me if I am being abused and do I feel safe at home. Also do I have any desire to hurt myself in anyway and or do I feel the world would be a better place without me in it. I happen to dislike this form. I just say bla bla bla and say how great everything is every time. So why do I keep having to fill this out every time? Does anybody read it? I would bet they do not. Hence, Eureka, my social experiment. and here it is:

What if I said exactly what I was feeling, Like yes, I am feeling Suicidal and yes, I do want to harm myself. What if I said Yes, I am abused and I do NOT feel safe where I was living and Yes the world would be a better place without me. What would happen? Would anything happen? Would anybody care? Would anybody notice it and or would even one person read it? My bet was no. Kind of a risky bet being if you told anybody that for real this could cause a major dilemma in your life. well guess what, I did all of that. I was feeling no sense of worth, unloved especially by the medical people I was entrusting with my health and personal well being. I carefully filled out this form and answered each and every question with the most negative and ugly thoughts I could come up with. I was feeling very low anyway. How would my appointment go past here? I shudder to speculate. I walk up to the desk and turn in my forms with that suicide form on the very top. Here comes the sirens, and, OK great have a seat and the Dr. will be with you shortly. The lady at the desk did not say a word.

10 minutes later they call me back to another office where they take entirely too long making you wait. By now I am positive the reception lady has alerted the Dr. to the crazy Tranny that wants to harm herself and everyone in the building. Surely the Dr. is making a plan to commit me to a place they can lock me up so I don’t hurt myself or anybody else. I am positive the Dr. is taking swift action and that is why this is taking so long. The Dr. finally enters and states, “Breezy, how are things going?” with an overly cheery sounding voice. I snap back. “Terrible. I am miserable.” Well. I mean, I stated how I felt clearly on the forms they gave me. Why do I need to repeat this again? I perk up and ask. “You tell me Dr. You have a handful of papers I am assuming you have a concept of what can be wrong with me. He says, “Well, let me ask a few questions. You haven’t even told me anything yet.” I looked at the Dr. and was beside myself. I responded, “Well Dr. It looks like you have my file in your hand. did you read anything?” He said he did not read anything yet. That was a big shock. neither the Dr. or Reception person read it. I asked the Dr., “What’s the point dr.of filling out a form that nobody even bothers to read?’ He said, “"We read them.” I said, If a person says they want to kill themselves a by the time you get to them they would have already killed themselves. I was very disappointed. It had then occurred that this form was a cover their ass form. In this case I would think it would have bit them in the ass. I really wish I had a copy of the form. And there is your answer to the social experiment. They don’t read it or care to read it. Is this true everywhere? I don’t really know. It was true here. The Dr. tried to play it off like it was nothing which is exactly what I got for help from this clinic. Nevertheless I have decided that I needed a new Doctor. Yes, I figured this would be the outcome. I just didn’t know how to deal with it when it was. You could always give it a try and see if you get a different result. i think I know what my bet would be.