Can't Phukn Sleep!

You know what sucks? When your Grandpa comes to give you a kiss good night and sticks his tongue down your throat. OK now that I have your attention let's talk about something truly disappointing. By the way, the first comment never happened to me, thank God. That is my off the wall cynical sense of humor and I don't really give much of a shit what people think about it. I have used that comment in crowds and at parties for years and it always gets some weird dramatic reactions that can really separate the pussies in the room

Anyway, I don't expect many people read my bullshit anyway but I love to rant and rave about things in my own format. So I quit smoking dope over 3 months ago and I still can't sleep. Crazy huh. It makes me wonder what the benefit of stopping smoking dope is other than being able to brag about stopping smoking dope. Really to be brutally honest, I don’t see any reason to not blab about the truth. I don't plan on running for office in the future. My life has been way to crazy and I always worry about all of the pictures of me that will come up and what porno movies starring me will come up.

I really don't care I am about miles away from being embarrassed about anything. Being a tranny has its perks Lord knows it gives me tons of shit to talk about. Where do I start. I have been a dope head for years and really have no regrets accept for the things I regret. Get it? I don't either. Incidentally I am clean for the time being. Yes I am bragging it makes me laugh because it seems funny to me to brag about quitting when the only reason I quit is because I moved to another state and ran out. Totally true and here again I don't give a shit what anybody thinks. Why would I? Hahahaha.

I am a Tranny working on myself. It's hard. I felt like such a quitter when I quit smoking dope. I quit on all my doper friends whom I adore by the way. I always met lots of interesting tweakers, thieves, professionals, professional tweakers, assholes, sex partners and some nice people too. Dope is amazing in some areas. I mean I had sex with almost everybody fun, fun. Hell yeah it was fun but lonely. The more sex I had the more lonely I got. I didn't really have to look for sex or even ask for it. It always came, pardon the pun, to me. Rarely did I ever have to seek sex it always seeks me whether I wanted it or not. I'm kinda a sleezy whore both as a man or a woman so most of the time I wanted it. Over the years I managed to somehow get around diseases can you believe that. That is absolutely mostly true except for what. sn't. You can imagine that anyway you want I don't care. Anyway where was I? I digress…

I QUIT SMOKING DOPS AND I STILL CANT SLEEP! This is the reason I am writing this candid frivel. It's embarrassing and mostly true. I can't sleep so it's my truth serum. I am probably going crazy. Fuck it! I probably am crazy. I used to make a fortune now I have PTSD, Gender Dysphoria, ADHD, Major Depression and I am a addict to about any drugs or alcohol so I stay away from them. How is that for honesty. I am an addict. I am a clean addict but once you are an addict you are an addict forever right? Do I like sobriety? Fuck no. Yuk. Overrated.

I am still staying sober for the bragging rights. Hilarious. It is funny how many people brag about it. I sure do. I don't know why. Bragging about being sober is funny because when you brag that validates that you WERENT SOBER which I never talked much about to people who didn't do it. Why would I? They would tell me to quit or something dumb as fuck like that when a non user does not even begin to understand an addict.

I suppose I did dope to kill the mental anguish or pain I feel that I am unaware of. Three and a half years of therapy never even began to help me I mean, I did all the talking and a counselor or therapist listens, I think anyway, then they ask all the dumb questions I don't really want to answer . I would rather write about the stupid shit I think about in a blog knowing that nobody will really read it. Ha. Who would want to look into some other assholes mind especially mine. By the way, I personally think therapy is a waste of time. It may help some people but it doesn't help me I am convinced there isn't any help for me. I have taken two DSM 5s in the last three years and every time I take it I get more shit added to my what's wrong with me list. I have decided that what is wrong with me is that I really don't like talking about it. What the fuck isn't wrong with me may be an easier question as I ramble.

What I think is wrong with me is I really started out loving people and the more I learn about people the more I am tired of them. I try to stay away from people because most people are so lame when you really get to know them so I don't really trust anybody. Put that in your pipe and smoke it. I mean in life you count your friends on one hand right. I can't stand the matrix at all and I am not cut out for it. So I went to therapy which blows by the way did I mention that.

Anyway, again, since I quit dope I can't sleep and it sucks shit. I thought that when you stopped all your problems would go away. Yeah right. I have literally been to the emergency room twice in the last 3 months for some blood clots in my lungs and now walking pneumonia. I am trying to understand the benefit of quitting dope when Everytime I have quit over the years life gets worse. I mean I don't feel better. I feel shittier. Oh yeah the bragging rights. I GET TO BRAG TO PEOPLE THAT I AM SOBER FOR SOME LENGTH OF TIME WHICH SINCE I AM SOBER THAT MEANS PRIOR TO THAT I WASN’T. I can't decide whether that makes me a winner or a loser. SO NOW, since I can't sleep I am gonna need another drug to help me sleep. Isn’t it Ironic, don't ya think. It's like rain. Alonnis Morrisetre quote, cheesy I know but I think quitting has given me a new ailment. What is it called when you can't sleep? Insomnia, another disorder to add to my diagnosis list I can't wait and agoraphobic which means I don't want to leave the house, ever. Fuck. Well at least I don't want to go out and kill people. Thank God!

Anyway, I'm gonna try to get some fucking sleep. Good night at 5am. That's my rant. I think what I want and write what I want and I don't want to ask for subscribers. Let's see how that goes.

Love you all,

Breezy Taylor Morgan